Misadventures in Iron Babysitting
by Artemis Day
Summary: While Tony and Pepper enjoy a night on the town, Harley, Peter, and Nebula are tasked with keeping their baby safe. It can't possibly be that hard, right?


**A/N: This is my very (very) late Pepperony exchange fic for top-dawg27 on tumblr.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Nebula had never changed a diaper before.

She'd never even seen a diaper. Or knew they existed. After tonight, she'd happily go back to her prior state of ignorance. If there was any way to permanently erase this night from her mind, starting with the moment Morgan first began to cry and ending with her removing his puffy white undergarment to witness the horror within, she'd do it with no hesitation. Even if it meant destroying what remained of her flesh and blood body, it would be worth it.

"Aren't you being a little overdramatic?" Harley asked because the foolish boy couldn't possibly understand her torment.

Nebula threw the last dirty wipe into the trash can, which incinerated everything on contact. Bless Tony for his foresight. "Next time, you can be the one to change him. We'll see how much you like it."

"Never said I wanted the job." He went back to tinkering with the old circuit board he'd dragged into the living room so he could pretend he was too busy to help.

Peter returned from the kitchen with a full sippy cup. He consulted one more time the list of instructions Pepper had left for them. "Okay, now that he's been changed, we can leave out some water for him to grab whenever he wants. He already napped and had dinner, so all that's left is his night time bottle in an hour."

"See? Easiest gig in the world," Harley said. "We watch the baby a couple times a month and that's another hundred thousand dollars in our college funds every time."

Nebula, who had no interest in or reason to pursue an education on Earth, didn't actually know what she'd do with the money Tony had offered her. She was still reeling from the trauma of the diaper change and Morgan had decided that her index finger was his new teething ring. He chewed on it with his three teeth, babbling in his own language. Would that she could know what was in the tiny human's mind. He was like nothing she'd ever seen before. Not since the days on Thanos's leash, killing and plundering at his word. She clenched her jaw thinking about her former 'father'. It had been eighteen months since his defeat, but it would be years before she forgot his face as he proclaimed her a failure once again.

To ease the boiling of her blood, she indulged the baby in his favorite game: Lift Morgan Up In The Air Like He's Flying. He squealed happily as she raised him over her head, his fingers grasping for her face.

"Who's a good boy?" she said robotically, summoning an almost cheerful grin. "Who's a good boy? You are. You're a good boy."

"He's also a baby, Neb, not a dog," said Peter.

Nebula's eye twitched. Tony had first called her that during the final battle with Thanos. 'Nice one, Neb!' He'd shouted with glee as she kneed Thanos in the face and broke his jaw. Ever since, the nickname had stuck, like an itch on her back she couldn't reach.

Peter took Morgan from her. It was his turn to hold him. He bounced the baby in his arms, careful to support his back. "You're right, this is pretty easy."

"You thought it wouldn't be?" asked Harley.

"I babysat once before for a kid in my building. He turned out to be kind of rowdy," Peter grimaced at the memory, which must've been truly awful. "Luckily, Morgan's been calm so far."

At that very moment, Morgan lost his happy, gum-filled grin. His eyes watered, his bright pink face scrunched up, and he let out a wail like the dying engine Tony had spent a week trying to restore. Nebula covered her ears, but it did her no good. The boy was like a sonar.

Harley glared at Peter. "You _had_ to say it, didn't you?"

* * *

Tony waited until Pepper's butt was firmly seated on what she hoped was a chair to remove the blindfold.

"Okay," he sang, undoing the knot. "Let Tony and Pepper's awesome first anniversary date… BEGIN!"

They were on a hilltop with a small picnic set up. It was just like a movie: red checkered blanket, tweed basket, saran wrapped sandwiches and a bottle of wine which bore the remnants of a Target label. Her chair was actually just a cushion, saving her designer sundress from grass stains and her legs from bug bites. She suddenly understood why he'd insisted on her slathering on sunscreen.

"Wow," she said, accepting an offered sandwich. It was ham and cheese with a thin layer of mayo. "This is… not what I expected from you."

"Yeah, it's pretty great, right?" He poured the wine into two glasses, which also had Target stickers on the bottom. "It's just like our first date."

"Tony, our first date was at a restaurant in New York City."

"Where we sat outside and drank wine." Tony raised his glass. "See? Exactly the same."

They toasted and Pepper drank. It tasted exactly as cheap as the few undamaged numbers on the label implied. To be polite, she took another sip. "So… this is not what I expected when you said you had a surprise."

"Yeah, I thought we'd try something a little different." Tony drank his wine and pretended to like it. "We may be rich as hell, but that doesn't mean we aren't humble, down to earth people."

"Sure," Pepper said, "though if I didn't know better, I'd think this was all just a distraction for our real anniversary date."

"Pepper, I'm surprised at you. Here I thought you knew me better than that."

"I do know you better than that. Which is why I think you're hiding something."

"Well, we'll just see about that, won't we?"

"Will we?"

"Drink your wine, Potts."

* * *

Morgan was still crying. They'd offered him milk, carried him, even strapped on his Iron Baby jetpack and let him float for a while. Nothing helped. His little face stayed crunched and he'd shed enough tears to flood a small village. Nebula's shirt had several wet spots she didn't think would ever come out. She cradled the baby while Harley warmed another bottle and Peter tried to reach his aunt.

"Please just call me back whenever you get this. We really don't know what to do here. Thanks, May."

"What is she doing that she can't answer your call?" Nebula demanded.

"Probably a late movie. She goes a couple times a month," Peter shrugged. "Just our luck she chose tonight, huh?"

Luck was the wrong word, in Nebula's opinion. Curse was a good one. Punishment was better.

"Okay, the milk's ready," said Harley, exiting the kitchen with gloved hands around a steaming bottle. It was slightly bent in places that shouldn't be bendable. He set it down on the coffee table, leaving fingerprints behind. "Not sure it's supposed to be this hot, though. Won't it burn his mouth?"

"You were supposed to keep it at sixty degrees," Peter snapped. "It's right there in Pepper's instructions."

"I _did_ keep it at sixty!"

"Fahrenheit?"

"...shit."

The bottle exploded. Shards of plastic and boiling liquid rained down upon them. Were it not for Peter's reflexes, they would have been sliced to ribbons. He activated his suit and engaged his spider legs. Grabbing Harley and Nebula, he leaped out of the line of fire, Nebula wrapping herself around Morgan's tiny form. Milk splashed her left shoulder, shorting the circuits. Her arm jerked back as she allowed Morgan to slide to the floor. He grabbed one of his stuffed animals and tossed it with a laugh.

"I'm glad someone's enjoying themselves," Harley growled.

"I hope this is worth those college funds," said Nebula.

"At least he's not crying anymore," Peter remarked.

"Hey, guys," FRIDAY's voice appeared without warning, making the trio jump. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have a problem."

"We know," said Peter. He poked the melted, stinking husk of what used to be a perfectly normal baby bottle. "It's under control. Kind of."

"I wasn't talking about that."

The alarms went off as a much bigger explosion rocked the foundation. Peter managed to stay upright, but Harley and Nebula both hit the floor ass first. Morgan laughed and clapped as a vase fell and barely missed him. Dozens of shadows appeared on the walls, coming from every window, doorway, and open space big enough to fit a person. All were human shaped. All carried guns with scopes aimed at Morgan's head.

"I meant _that."_

* * *

Their second stop was the beach. It would've been nice if Tony hadn't picked the really far end where the water was choppy and the shore full of rocks. Crabs scuttled passed her feet, snapping their claws threateningly. She moved her toes out of harm's way, wishing she'd heeded her inner voice's advice and brought flip-flops.

"So what's this now?"

Tony had dropped neither his grin nor his naivety. "It's like that time on your birthday when I took you to the beach in Malibu. Remember?"

"You mean the beach you tried to buy for me?" It was actually kind of a fun day. Tony had argued his case with the city council for hours until Pepper gently informed him that a vacation was good enough for her. Plus, he already had his own private beach five miles away, and it didn't have crabs or rocks.

"I'm not dropping the case, by the way," he said, kissing her shoulder. "Pepper Beach just has too good a ring to it."

"So rename your beach Pepper Beach."

"I can't do that. That's like taking a gift meant for someone else and writing your name over it. You deserve something original. Something that's all yours."

"A painted seashell will do just fine, thanks."

"I will make a note of it and let Morgan know."

* * *

Harley had Morgan. That was one less thing Nebula had to worry about.

The intruders had them surrounded. It was impossible to know who they were or who sent them. Unmarked black kevlar hid even their most distinguishing features. They could be the remnants of a terrorist cell, a band of disgruntled criminals newly escaped from prison, an off shot of HYDRA here to seek cold-blooded vengeance. Those were the only answers Nebula could think of off the top of her head. She wasn't there for any of those things and only knew as much as Tony had told her while dying of thirst aboard the Benatar.

"Hey guys," Peter said, dropping into a somewhat exaggerated fighting stance. "Anything we can help you with?"

"Like a big fat serving of pain," Nebula growled. Everyone stared at her. "What? Gamora liked it."

The masked men all looked at each other, shaking their heads.

"So who the hell are you supposed to be?" The one in the center pointed his gun at Peter. "Spider-Boy?"

Peter's shoulders fell. "Dude, come on. It's Spider-Man. Or Iron Spider works, too, but there's no Boy here. Except for Harley. He's Iron Boy."

Harley gawked. "I am _not_!"

"His suit isn't finished yet."

"Shut up, Spider- _Boy_."

"Everyone shut up!" The man in the center shouted. "Just give us the kid and nobody gets hurt."

Morgan, unaware of the imminent threat to his life, sucked his knuckles and watched a fly land on the window.

"Yeah, see, we would do that, except… we're not going to do that." Peter fired web grenades at two of the men, so fast even Nebula couldn't follow. They were wrapped in unbreakable cocoons, writhing in agony as their comrades merely stepped over them.

"I won't ask again," the leader said, with a noticeable tremor in his voice.

"Neither will we," Nebula growled. She landed a punch on the nearest intruder's face and the battle was on.

* * *

"How about a cruise around the world next year?"

They were in a Chuck E Cheese, which still existed much to Pepper's surprise. Children with cheese covered faces hid from their parental units in the old ball pit and behind violent shooting games. Nobody had an indoor voice. It was like Morgan when he was angry times fifty. At least the pizza was okay.

"We could've gone on one this year," she said.

"You kidding? None of the yachts are special enough for tonight. Don't get me wrong, they're all perfectly good yachts, but none of them are really… speak to me. Not for tonight."

"But Chuck E Cheese does."

"Did you notice they don't have the animatronics anymore?" Tony folded his arms and pouted. Not even like a child. Children had more dignity than that. "I should buy this whole place and make them regret depriving me of my poorly animated and vaguely terrifying amusement."

Pepper checked her pockets. "I have twenty-four cents. Think that'll be enough?"

"I have eleven cents in my back pocket and fifty-two million on my credit card. Might need to call up the bank."

"Try and book a Carnival Cruise while you're at it."

He looked like she'd stepped on Dum- E and declared she hated rainbows. "A _Carnival Cruise?_ What kind of monster are you?"

"The kind you married and brought to Chuck E Cheese." Pepper munched innocently on her veggie slice.

"I knew I should've gone for Adventureland."

* * *

Earth weapons were… cute.

Nebula walked through a hail of bullets, all of which managed to miss what remained of her organic matter. They bounced off her skin as half the men got a clue and stopped shooting long enough to run. Nebula let them. Peter could handle it.

She grabbed one man's gun by the barrel and squeezed, sealing it closed. He dropped the gun and, in a moment of blind determination and sheer stupidity, attempted to punch her. Nebula dodged and sunk her fist into his stomach. He flew into the wall and landed on the floor, a broken mess of bones and blood. One by one, his partners joined him.

Harley had taken cover. Morgan was either laughing or crying. Peter lassoed three men and hurled them out the window. He retracted his spider legs and climbed up the ceiling, drawing the remaining kidnappers attention up while Nebula quickly dispatched them.

"I was about to do that," Peter complained.

"Then what was the climbing for?" Harley poked his head out. Meanwhile, Morgan had achieved his longtime goal of sucking his own toes. "Yeah we get it, you can climb on walls. You're a super cool YouTube star. Congratulations."

"I don't see you doing anything!"

"I'm watching the baby!"

"We're _all_ watching the baby, you-"

"Hey!"

There was one guy left standing. If they missed him, it was only because he blended in with the other guys so well, it was hard to know who among them was the biggest threat. His mask was cracked and there were spots of blood on his fingers as he aimed his pistol.

Nebula and Peter prepared to charge. Harley beat them to it.

"Hey, _you_." Armor formed around his arm up to the elbow. His fingers glowed with white-hot energy. "Don't fuck with the babysitters."

He shot the man through the ceiling, a human-sized hole the only evidence he ever existed. Bits of concrete and plaster hit the floor. One large chunk smacked a groaning man on the head, a sight which warmed Nebula's heart.

With the immediate threat taken care of, Peter deactivated his suit and descended while Harley dusted himself and Morgan off. The baby blew spit bubbles and grabbed Nebula's nose when she reached for him. He honked it twice and giggled.

"Okay," Harley said, shaking dust out of his hair. "All's well that ends well, I guess."

"Yeah," Peter agreed, "except for all the unconscious guys and that big hole in the ceiling."

"Perhaps we should have kept one of them awake to find out who sent them," said Nebula.

The three of them looked at each other, then at the wrecked living room. Nobody wanted to be the one to break the silence. Even FRIDAY was mum.

"So…" Peter cleared his throat. "Did you steal that babysitter line from a movie?"

Harley shot him a look. "Of course not."

"I'm pretty sure I heard it in a movie."

"Well… you're wrong. So there."

Morgan picked something out of his nose and ate it.

It was around that time they all decided cleaning up was a good first step.

* * *

"I think I've finally figured out what's going on here," Pepper said as they pulled into the driveway.

Tony killed the engine and shut off the headlights. They only had the moon now. "You mean you didn't know it was our anniversary? I'm hurt Pep."

"You're trying to tell me something with all this." Pepper counted down on her fingers. "Picnic with cheap wine, you're saying I bring you back down to earth and remind you that life can be special without luxury. Rocky beach, you're saying we can survive anything if we stick together. Chuck-E-Cheese, you're saying you want more kids."

"Maybe I just like Chuck-E-Cheese," Tony pouted. "Ever think of that?"

Pepper shrugged. "Option B is you really are just distracting me from my real anniversary gift."

She folded her arms, daring him to prove her wrong. The last time she'd been wrong about him was sixteen years ago when she thought he'd want to wear a green tie to the company Christmas party instead of a red tie. Without a decent argument, Tony could only sigh and pull an envelope out of the glove compartment. "You never let me have any fun."

Inside was a photo of a cruise ship, painted bright red and gold. Though it was hard to get a sense of the scale from a picture alone, it looked as long as two football fields and taller than a redwood. On the side, in bold cursive, it read 'S. S. Pepper.'

"Really?"

He grinned. "If I can't get you a beach this is the least I can do. Plus, that's a perfect name. Gives the ship real spice, don't you think?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just make that joke and just wonder how much this cost."

"I'm a father now, Pep. Dad jokes come with the territory." He put an arm around her and kissed her temple, "and for once, don't worry about my spending habits. This is all for you."

"You're sure it's not just you trying to impress me?" _'Because you do that every time you save the world.'_

"If you don't like it, just say so." Tony brought a hand to his chest. The arc reactor glowed. "Go on, rip my heart to pieces."

Pepper looked at the photo again. There was a large bow stuck to the top deck and a family photo from Morgan's first birthday painted on the stern. "This is completely over the top and unnecessary."

"But?"

She smiled. He knew her too well. "But I love it, and I love you."

Their kiss made Pepper forget that she had to climb over the gear lever to sit in his lap. He had enough sense to put the top down before she bumped her head. Pepper played with his buttons as he reached under her skirt. He squeezed her thigh, her moan making his already massive bulge grow harder. It would not have been the first time this car was the site of their expression of sexy true love (Tony's words), but much as Pepper wanted to jump his bones without regard for who might see, there were at least two underage teenagers in the house who could look outside at any moment.

"Let's go around the world," Tony mumbled against her lips. "You, me, and Morgan."

"Pretty big ship for just the three of us," Pepper sighed.

"It has to be big. Otherwise, where will everyone else sleep?"

"I thought you said it was a family trip."

"Yeah, but that's just the maiden voyage." Tony kissed her again, his lips dragging to her ear. "Don't worry, the honeymoon suite is all ours. Make all those new babies and take them to Chuck-E-Cheese."

"You always think of everything." She ground down on his erection, a preview of the coming attractions. "Now let's go relieve the kids of duty and get to bed. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted."

"You will be," he smirked.

They walked hand in hand to the front porch. Inside, they found Harley running back and forth with a vacuum, Peter lifting the couch over his head to clean under it, Nebula scrubbing the windows, and Morgan throwing blocks around his playpen.

"Ama!" The baby shouted, raising tiny hands to Peper. "Ama! Ada!"

"There's my baby boy!" Pepper lifted him into her arms, kissing his chubby cheeks. "Were you a good boy tonight?"

He babbled right back at her, which she'd take for a yes. The three sitters fell into line and put on grins so fake they could almost be mistaken for real.

"He was great tonight," said Peter, who had a small cut on his forehead. "Everything was great. No problems at all, right Harley?"

"We had an awesome time with Morgan and nothing went wrong. Right, Neb?"

An eye twitch. "Perfect…"

"Glad to hear it," Tony nodded at them. Then at what was behind them. "So how do you explain all the unconscious guys and the hole in the roof?"

Cold wind poured in from the aforementioned hole. Pepper hugged Morgan close to protect him from the chill. Peter, Harley, and Nebula all looked at each other, like guilty thieves looking to pass the buck.

"Well," Nebula said, "maybe there were a few problems."


End file.
